You find me writing day in and day out about the importance of living from season to season. I eat it up. Letting nature be the guide to show us the way and exemplify the importance of the cycles of life. But I can't help but wonder why we are so bad as a society at celebrating death as our mortal selves, human beings? It is something almost unspoken of, left to be crinkled up in the corner of our lonely minds only to be let out to run wild on a grand occasion. What if it could look different?
It's Mackenzie's birthday today, almost three years after losing her. I can't help but ponder these grander questions. We used to wander our trail and speak about "the unspeakable," death. I know if given more time, it is something we would find a book out there with words and beautiful imagery by Mackenzie to give a very different perspective than we are so used to seeing when it comes to our lives ending. We are afraid of death and rightfully so, there is so much life to be lived. How can we open up this dialogue with one another? How can we take the responsibility into our hands in teaching the next generation what it is to celebrate ourselves as cyclical beings which have an expiration date? How can we navigate grief in a healthy way while celebrating the life who had to leave us, carrying her along with us always?
Being on the farm, it is common knowledge to our littles that we will honor so many animals and also have to see their lives through to the end. There is respect and gratitude given and even understanding/acceptance not saying that it comes without some tough emotions. But rightfully so, and when it comes to people, someone you truly loved, it is only that much harder. When Kenz died, I remember having so much anxiety about my delivery of her death to Charlotte. I was newly postpartum, Delilah was only two so I wasn't as worried to share with her but, Charlotte had a very closely tied relationship with her Aunt Kenz.
I let myself sink into the reality of Kenzie being gone for days and even weeks. I don't even remember the moment I shared with Charlotte but I do rememeber being so utterly surprised how well the conversation went. Those littles hold so much wisdom if we are willing to listening. There would be sadness and endless questions that I would learn to navigate throughout the years with her. But I was adamant about not letting Kenzie's life cast a shadow on our world, she would be the rainbow and reminder of all the good and the beautiful. If anything it is my pain and suffering that may shift Charlotte's perspective to think other than this is the natural way of life.
This part of my story has been the most difficult years thus far but I am slowly learning that I can't perfect grief. I can work to release suffering and feel the pain. I can teach my children that tears and sadness are ok and invited but chin up, see the beauty she still carries, that is right here. Charlotte is often the reminder to me of everywhere Mackenzie now is. She can often feel Kenz in all of her favorites, like right now fading into fall. We see her in the swaying goldenrod, in the ladybugs that crawl up tiny arms, the rainbows that show up after a hard rain or sneek into the girls bedroom, we see her everywhere. We talk about her often. She will never be the ghost of our past. She will be a celebration into our now and forever.
There is something to say for protecting our children's innocence. But denying death is not one of them. There are so many ways I have shielded my children from taking on trauma from this event. Shading them from the phsyical events in action leading up to Kenz's death, making time until I was ready to share, making sure I have moments to step away and release emotions on my own, sharing with close friends are just a few of the many little ways I have tried to savor their childhood while moving through my own grief.
There are about ten conversations here that I could go down a rabbit hole on but most importantly, death is to be celebrated even so when we are grieving. Free up our own suffering in celebrating the little moments that make up our present world right here and now. The thing is, we all have, are, or will suffer in this lifetime. It will all be ok. But instead of pretending it isn't happening or going to happen, I hope we open up the conversation. With these tiny people, replace the doom and gloom with the sacred, the suchness of this life we live. Our whole world is made up of all of the spirits of those we have lost reaching out to say "hi there" and nudge us in the right direction. And how magical and wonderful is that?
Happy what would be 35th Birthday Mackenzie, celebrating your life and where you show up now and forever always even with those tiny humans.
photo credits: Autumn Layne Photography
Comments